The big question: What is love? I have learned in my readings that love is an activity- something to be done; intentional (hooks, All About Love: New Visions). I have also learned that love must guide our social justice praxis; we- black and white people- must love one another, rather than continuously compete in the arena of supremacy. However, white people, myself included, must actively engage in loving ourselves (Baldwin).
I have often wondered what can I say as a white, mostly man, who is engaging with materials mostly created by people of color. In fact, I realized from watching Chelsea Handler’s Hello, Privilege. It’s Me, Chelsea that I must talk to white people. However, I must contend with the question of how to create without appropriating? Speaking to my fellow white people on and about the conceptions of love and community created by people of color is far too imperialistic and anthropological. To speak in this way would be to perpetuate the white observer: that who is removed from the society of which they seek to extract knowledge to use for the betterment of their own society.
So, how do I not perpetuate that of the observer. I believe that the best place to start is to not posit myself as outside of society/community. This is to say that while I may not personally be involved or should be allowed into specific cultural and communal practices- by and for people of color- my situation in life is not removed from the influence of these rituals and behaviors. In other words, we are all interconnected; our societies are influential upon one another in a myriad of different ways. However, as a white person with greater power to influence and dictate society, I must realize that my social and communal rituals and behaviors impact people of color in largely devastating ways. For instance, the population of government and CEOs is predominantly white and male. The decisions created by this populace affect the rituals and behaviors of those not of this popular- not white and male- to a greater extent than those of whom are employed are under the “leadership” of this population. Of course, I must quickly contest that the power of the masses who do not hold as much power as the white and male population can affect the rituals and behaviors of the white and male populace, but are usually constrained by the increased amount of energy and resources (both monetary and bodily) required to even register as potential affects. As such, it is not untrue to say that the white and male population has a greater affect on people of color because of the ease at which the world accommodates (shapes to) and elevates the white and male body (Ahmed, Queer Phenomenology).
But knowing this, knowing I too inhibit the white and male body, what can I do with love- a love I’ve learned from people of color? From Baldwin in The Fire Next Time, we white people hate ourselves. We hate ourselves so much that we must project the origin of this hatred onto other bodies- the black body- to maintain the cognitive dissonance required to function. This all sounds like such a sob story but it is not. And we cannot believe that our hatred has afforded us great anguish- at least not politically, socially, and financially. Our hatred for ourselves has allowed us to greatly devastate the planet, to enlarge the wealth divide, and to control and dominate bodies that do not look and act like us, so that the only bodies we see look and act like us.
3/24/2022. Pt. 2
Why do bad things happen? I feel like that is not the question I want to ask. How can we commit such terrible acts of violence, and feel nothing about it? I feel like If I start talking about all the things I have witnessed in the past 2 weeks, I would just erupt. I feel so angry. I’m not even sad. I’m just angry at myself and society for how we treat one another. Where is the love? Why can’t I love others? Why can’t I love myself? My education has become such a non-priority. I don’t check in with others. I feel as though I only have interest in myself but my interest is engendered from my desire to be interesting. This is to say that it does not come from a place of love or security with myself that I share my experiences with others; I share for attention, to be seen because I am looking for love in others because I refuse to have the conversations- the tough, vulnerable conversations- that will examine myself. That will help me love myself.
This is the beginning of my letter to men: We have to do better. What is wrong with us? Why do we prescribe to these continuing, isolating practices? We are not predisposed (on the account of our biological sex or gender) to commit violence. We are agentic. We are individuals who can have empathy and resistance. We can look at the face of the violence and rage that is presented to us as our only option and we can choose to say “No.” We can refuse to succumb to the temptations of power and dominance. We can love. We can turn away from the isolated path and be held in the arms of our community. Oh to be held once again! When was our last hug? Our last, loving hug?
3/24/2022. Pt.3
Something I have always been interested in is how I don’t look at other people as I walk around. I’ve recently told a coworker about this. They told me how they love to “people watch.” I told her I don’t do that. To me, as a (quite visible, I hope) gay man, not looking at others was always a safety mechanism. This is to say that I can present myself as overtly-gay as possible- crop tops, nail painting, rings, etc.- but if I must never look at others. It’s kind of like “if I don’t see them then they can’t see me.” And if they can’t see me then I can continue to be without any threat of harm.
This has made it quite difficult for me to look for intimacy with others and myself. With others, I mean to say that I often do not look at those I am interested in to see if they too are looking. Gay men talking about the “cruising” scene which is something I have always felt disconnected from. To me, eye contact is very vulnerable; something I want to reserve for those of whom I would want to have a continued and deeply personal relationship with. But I’ve also become to realize how much I don’t look at myself.
I have only recently started taking photos of myself, This process of photo taking has been so life changing for me because I had often resisted being a part of any photograph because I did not feel as though I was “good looking” enough to be photographed. However, as I’ve started taking more and more photographs of myself, my body, I’ve begun a process where I am quite attracted to myself. This has increased my confidence and actively propelled me to seek sexual relations. Yet, I am still critical of myself but having started this process, have become increasingly combative to the negative thoughts that arise in my head. Additionally, I am able to forgive myself for destructive and mean patterns of behavior- both towards myself and others.